Assault Resources
Dating Violence
Susan is a first year undergraduate in her first dating relationship with Steven. There were many signs that he was not a good choice but she wanted to be close with someone and he acted like he cared about her. She hoped that she could change him. But over time he got more controlling and angry with her for doing things on her own. He does not like her hanging out with other friends. He hit her once. He apologized and never did it again. But he still tells her she is stupid and puts her down. Now she is scared to get out of the relationship for fear that he will stalk her or harm her.
The cycle of violence in relationships has a long, well documented history. The abuse is followed by contrition and reconciliation. There is usually a honeymoon period followed by increasing control and an eventual recurrence of abuse. Violent relationships often develop through the gradual breaking down of boundaries. As the victim tolerates each breach in her boundaries, it gets harder to reset them or to know where to set them. Feelings of shame make it even harder to set limits. In dorm settings it may be hard to set limits if there are mutual friends who do not see the behavior as wrong. The victim may try to keep the abuse secret to save face with those friends.
Victims of dating violence are often young and inexperienced. Frequently they are from abusive or dysfunctional families where there is a tolerance for violent behaviors. The victims have the natural desire to be loved, which can lead them to rationalize the abusive behavior. They want to believe that the abuse will not happen again.
Abusive partners seek control. Often feelings of inadequacy lead to jealousy, which leads to efforts to control their partner. They frequently have poor control of their impulses.
In dating situations avoid people who:
- Do not listen to you, ignore what you say, talk over you or pretend not to hear you.
- Violate your personal space.
- Express aggression towards women
- Do what they want regardless of what you want. Like order a drink for you after you have said no.
- Try to make you feel guilty or "uptight" if you refuse to have sex with them.
How to help someone who is being abused:
- Be aware of the dynamics of abusive relationships.
- Don't justify or condone the abuse.
- Tell her she is not responsible for the abuse.
- Help her develop a safety plan.
- Don't be judgmental.
- Point out her strengths and skills.
- Don't promise her anything or rescue her.
- Refer her to a domestic violence program.
- Point out her options.
