Assault Resources
Acquaintance Rape
Acquaintance rape is forced, unwanted intercourse with someone you know. It is considered criminal sexual assault. In Illinois, sexual contact without consent is defined as criminal sexual abuse. While these definitions sound so clear on paper, the reality of date rape is much more complicated. These are not the stranger-jumping-out-from-the-bushes scenarios where the antagonist and the protagonist are sharply drawn figures. Instead these scenarios involve two people who know each other and have chosen to spend some time together. The quality of their interaction, though, can change dramatically into something that becomes confusing, painful and unlawful.
Acquaintance rape is confusing and difficult to identify at times because the situation usually begins consensually. But then what appeared to be shared intentions and desires diverge and one person pushes forward sexually without the consent of the other. Alcohol is often involved, which complicates sound judgment and perception. Misunderstood communication happens. One person does not respond to the withdrawal of consent by the other. In some cases, there is a sense of entitlement that leads one person to force the other into sex. And there are predatory individuals who use frat parties and other occasions to target unsuspecting individuals.
There are many reasons why acquaintance rapes occur. Communications are often misread. A woman's friendliness can be interpreted as a sign of sexual interest. And the old questioning of does "no" really mean "no" or does it mean "maybe" or even "yes" still continues in an age when we know we should not make these assumptions. Another is that some people have learned that it is acceptable to use force to take what they want, especially if they believe that they are unlikely to be held accountable for their actions. Finally the role of alcohol by one or both of the individuals increases the likelihood of acquaintance rape. It impairs one's ability to clear up misperceptions, diminishes the ability to resist and can be used as a justification for aggressive behavior.
In recent years, cultural stereotypes and the cultural climate are changing. Both men and women are learning that acquaintance rape, like "stranger rape" is sexual violence and is intolerable in civilized communities. Both men and women are learning that sexual activity that is not fully consensual by both parties is harmful, degrading to the human spirit, and is against the law.
Only rapists are accountable for acts of sexual violence. However, the following suggestions are offered to help all members of the campus community to understand the scope of the problem and to offer new ways of thinking about some very old issues
Information and suggestions for both women and men
-
Spend time thinking and discussing the role that you want sex to play, if any, in your life right now. If past sexual experiences have been troubling or if you have questions about the role of sex in your life, you may wish to seek out someone to trust (a friend, relative, minister, resident advisor, counselor) and talk out your thoughts and feelings.
-
Communicate your expectations clearly, while sober and allow your date/partner to do the same.
If you believe that you know just what your date/partner really wants, thinks and feels, even though she/he says the opposite - you are courting disaster.
-
Both men and women have the same rights to initiate contact and to set limits that will be respected. Building a relationship requires two people working together as equals and mutual agreement as to the role sex will play in their relationship.
-
Both men and women sometimes feel pressure to be sexually active. Think for yourself; as with any serious decision, you are the one who will have to live with the consequences.
-
If you use alcohol, use it in moderation. Alcohol and other drugs decrease inhibitions, lead to impulsive behavior, and interfere with rational thought. In most reported acquaintance rape cases both the man and woman have been drinking.
-
Sexual aggression does happen and can happen to you. If it does, don't keep silent. Talk to someone about what happened. There are people here who care. See our section on University and community resources.
Information and suggestions for men
-
Trust that "no" always means "no." It is NEVER permissible to force yourself on a partner, even if you believe he/she is leading you on. If your partner says "no", respect that person's right to control his/her own body. Recognize that you must take responsibility for yours.
-
If you are not absolutely certain that sexual activity is mutually agreed upon, wait. Waiting is always an option.
-
If you have sex without your partner's consent, you are committing a crime even if you have had sex with this person previously. Remember, your partner, like you, can decide to change his/her mind at any time, and you must respect that decision.
-
Many men in our culture have been taught that the purpose of a date is to "score" or "get laid," and that they have somehow failed if a date doesn't end in sex. Be alert to such cultural baggage in yourself. It can interfere with your ability to listen and be responsible to your date's limits and wants.
-
A woman who has had sex with others is not asking to have sex with you. A woman who wears what you consider to be provocative or revealing clothing is not asking to be raped.
-
Spending money on a partner does not entitle you to sex. It is insulting to expect sexual favors as a "repayment."
-
You are committing a criminal sexual assault if you have sex with a person who is intoxicated, under the influence of other drugs, unconscious, or otherwise physically helpless or mentally incapacitated.
-
The consequences for being convicted of criminal sexual conduct are very heavy and long lasting. You can go to prison for a long time, you can be expelled from the University, you can be unable to seek employment for the rest of your life without having to report to your prospective employer that you were convicted of rape.
-
Remember that men also can be victimized sexually. If this should happen to you, the same laws apply and the same help resources are available to you that are available for women who have been victimized.
Information and suggestions for women
-
You have the right to set and to reset sexual limits. Your body is your own, and nobody has the right to force you to do something you don't want to do.
-
Trust your feelings and thoughts. Sometimes women have a "sense" that something is wrong, yet fail to act on it. If your date makes comments which display hostility toward women, or insists on making all the decisions, or seems extremely jealous or possessive, this person may not be respectful of your right to refuse sex.
-
Communicate your limits. You need not apologize for the limits you set. Be firm! If you try not to hurt feelings by hinting in a nice way, your implied "no"may be ignored. It is okay to be direct and firm with someone who is sexually pressuring you, even if it causes hurt feelings. After all, this person is not attending to your feelings.
-
If you decide you do want to say "No" to your date/partner:
-
Make your statements short, clear, and audible
-
Try to maintain direct eye contact and erect posture
-
Use facial expressions and guestures to add emphasis
-
-
Educate yourself about men and sex. Many women have been taught by men to believe that a man cannot control himself sexually once he reaches a "certain point." This is simply not true. Many women have also been raised by fathers who do not allow a daughter to say "no." It is important to learn to say "no" to adult males.
-
Think twice about going to a man's room or apartment. Most date rapes occur on the partner's turf. Be careful about inviting a man into your room or apartment. Some men see this as an invitation to sexual activity.
-
Until you begin to know a person well, try to arrange double dates or schedule the first few dates around public activities such as movies, dinner, concerts, etc.
Information and Suggestions section adapted from the Northern Michigan University Counseling and Consultation Services webpage.
